Wednesday, March 29, 2006


Time started: 11:31pm
Place: My room
Weather: It's always the same...
Mood: Who cares...

I felt completely dead in the morning. I struggled to move up and out of bed. I didn't sleep last night. was more like having nightmares while I'm not sleeping. I spaced out from meditating. Meditating's supposed to be a peaceful thing but all I got last night were nightmares. I felt nothing but dread and as I got up to do some boring Chemistry homework I found no passion at all for getting the questions right.
Oh do I really have to go to school? Far out. Practicals are so dumb...Once upon a time I loved doing practicals. Well I guess today's practical was okay. It was mostly us looking at bacteria and fungi under the microscope. Some of the bacteria were cute. There was one kind that swam around, tumbling around with their little flagellas. They had a halo around their bodies that would expand and contract randomly and it looked so cool. The little bacteria looked so happy tumbling around the fluid. They were colourful too.
Well I was in a pretty crap mood because two practicals for Chemistry were due today and I left out quite a few questions. Thankfully I managed to get them done during the Chemistry tutorial although I'm pretty sure I stuffed up one of them but I didn't have time to figure out how to do it right and frankly I was sick and tired about worrying about my work...I mean, that's what got me so sick last year. I worried too much about my work and ended up in hospital multiple times. I just need to get a life!
The Chemistry practical looked easy. Eliza and I were cruising while we were doing the practical. We were supposed to collect hydrogen gas from magnesium strips. We were supposed to get 0.2 grams of the strip (and we did! We measured it on the scale three times!) and with that amount you can't possibly collect more than 200ml of hydrogen gas. All the other groups got around 150ml and they packed up to leave about 15 minutes before us. Eliza and I were the only ones left behind with our magnesium strip still disposing off hydrogen gas. We got to the 210ml mark and we knew there had to be something wrong. It looked like the magnesium strip could go on for another half hour. Our laboratory teacher told us to stop the experiment and that our amount of magnesium was surely over 0.2 grams by a long shot. Oh screw that! We measured it three can't possibly be why. You know what's really stupid? Every single week Eliza and I are always the last ones to finish an experiment. We do everything right yet we always stuff up's just annoying! I'm so fed up with these gay practicals that never go right. Maybe it's because I'm doing the stupid experiment. I never seem to get things right.
Well there was one thing that made me happy today. I got 2 of my assignments back. I got 95% for my Microbiology practical write up which is great. What's making me pinch myself is my Chemistry practical write up. I got 99% for it! It was unbelievable! The mark annoyed me though because I lost 1% because I forgot to label one of the units...grams for a mass. I left out a dang "g". It's FRUSTRATING KNOWING YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GET 100%!! >.<;;
I was on a high when I got home for a while. I never get good grades! It was always hard enough for me to get over 70% for year 12!!!
*Sigh* I swear...I'm not supposed to be happy or something. My happiness didn't last very long. All of a sudden while I was talking to my friends (or rather...not talking to much at all...) I felt so hopeless again. I just felt like I was someone who could never do anything right and I felt like I was losing all my friends. That was not the case at all though, but why do I feel this way? Life just continues to feel more empty and empty as time passes. I always feel like I'm pissing people off. I don't know why. Maybe I'm just pissing myself off. Maybe it's just mood swings...I don't know...I probably don't want to be happy or something.
I wish Andrew would unblock me already...I know that won't happen. I've lost a friend and with no reason at all. I'm not talking to Aaron either, still. I guess that's another friend lost. I've also lost my likingness of talking to people as well. Am I going back to my anti-social stage? I was anti-social for most of my childhood. It wasn't until high school I started talking and hanging around people whom I could call my friends.
Tonight I didn't want to talk to matter how much I loved them. No...I do want to talk to them. I just didn't know how to anymore. Is that's what making me sad? No...I don't want to talk to people tonight. I'm so confused!
Now just for randomness (however it does contribute majorly to my psychotic feelings):
I'm so in love with him I can't decide to be happy or sad about it. He talked to me tonight without being weird. I love him...Unlike my happiness, I can't let him go...yet I let go of my happiness so quickly and easily.
I have no motivation whatsoever of doing my homework which is due in 2 days either. I don't want to do anything. I just want to die. My life is nothing tonight.
I hope I feel better tomorrow...I don't want to go back to that depressive stage again. I don't want to hurt myself and consequently...end up hurting other people. I just want to get rid of these dark emotions that just drift around in my mind all day, every day waiting for me to do something bad.
I miss my family in Malaysia. While I was there I had trouble fitting in...being all Western and alone but I miss being with them, just because I was part of their family.
I miss Jun. Poor Jun, I'm always making her worried about me. She tries to cheer me up too but nothing helps. Jun, if you're reading this, I'm sorry whenever I feel depressed and it's like you can't do anything about it. The truth do just about everything for me. You're always there for me. Even if you don't say anything at all...just being there because I was depressed. That's all I need. It's so selfish of me to worry you...I love you so much, Jun.
Am I an attention seeker? I don't mean to be so dramatic around people. I'm so sorry...The tragic things always seem to happen when I'm around...I just wish I could shut up and be happy.
I miss Meiling. *Sigh* I don't know why I have to complain so much about my life. Meiling is a lot worse off than I am yet she can still manage to be happy...she's just amazing. Her mother has been in America for 5 years so far...Meiling can't cope well with school and she pretty much has to fend for herself over there...and she still could be happy...
I miss my friends. They always made me feel good about myself. My life just feels like nothing without them. I feel like I'm losing them therefore my will to live is going away too...
I miss him...tonight, for the first time in a while, I felt that connection we once had long ago. We just talked to each other with the fewest words yet it reassured the both of us that we would always be friends. I shouldn't care if he loves me in that way or not. It's funny how words like "nah, it's fine" and "goodnight, Hui" could make your heart soar. I realised tonight that he has every intention of staying friends with me for life... Is that supposed to mend or break my heart? I don't know.
Yes...I'm hopeless. I'm unhappy because I feel worthless in every aspect...wanting what everyone wants: to be loved by friends...yet in some ways it pains me to know that I have friends and family who care...
I feel emotionless right now...
And I'm making no sense. I don't even know what I'm talking about...

Time finished: 12:34am
Weather: There's nothing
Mood: There's nothing


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't be sorry...I'M sorry. I always can't seem to cheer u up. I'm not good at cheering people up. Sorry Hui.. I love you a lot too and i also miss everyone in the family, although I'm not really close to them. But I still miss them, especially Meiling's mum. And you..your mum, everyone.

Thursday, March 30, 2006 12:50:00 am  
Blogger •°¤*(¯`°ƒåήğזє°´¯)*¤°• said...

You do cheer me up. Don't you EVER be sorry! I love you so much! I will feel even more terrible if I made you sorry!

Thursday, March 30, 2006 12:55:00 am  
Blogger Lisa said...

Hey Fangie, I hope you feel better soon. I know how sometimes it feels like absolutely nothing's going your way and all, and a broken heart is a very hard thing to deal with. But you'll get through this. Trust me. I've been through some nasty past, and when I look back now, I think I'm still glad I went through them. They helped me grow, mature, and most of all they've taught me to appreciate a good thing when it comes around.

*hug* We'll all here for you. :)

Thursday, March 30, 2006 2:47:00 pm  
Blogger •°¤*(¯`°ƒåήğזє°´¯)*¤°• said...

aww...thank you, lisa!
actually...a few hours after i posted that i felt really great. I think I have bipolar disorder because I'm either extremely or extremely sad.
Well...I had a pretty good day today :P
*hugs* thanks

Thursday, March 30, 2006 6:09:00 pm  

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