Sunday, April 16, 2006

Manic Depression is not nice....

Time started: 1:20am
Place: My room
Weather: Just stopped raining
Mood: I would have no idea

Mum and I went to Casuarina first thing this morning to buy easter eggs. I got easter eggs for my students and some for Liz's Easter party tomorrow. Poor mother strained her shoulder muscle yesterday so she couldn't work today. While I was shopping, Samatha messaged me saying how bored she was. *Sigh* I miss my Sammy Wammy :(
Later we walked around Casuarina aimlessly and all of a sudden, without any warning, I felt depressed. I had no idea why. I started being negative and mean towards my mother. I regret it now. I always regret it. It didn't help with the fact that my mother was in pain too...
Later we had lunch at McDonald's (we both had the healthy salads plus choice of Thai Chicken Baguette) and all of a sudden I was in a good mood again. I guess it was because there were so many young kids around who were all so adorable and there was this couple sitting near us who were kissing each other like there was no tomorrow XD. *Sigh* then depression hit me like a hammer again soon before we finished lunch and I felt like that for most of the rest of the day. When I was driving home I drove so bad because I was in such a bad mood. I'm a decent driver and I always drive well but I was so depressed, I went into second gear when I was supposed to go into fourth, and I stalled before moving off after I gave way too...I have no idea what the hell is wrong with me...
When we arrived home, the lawn needed to be mowed. I said I'd do it today because my mum's shoulder was in a lot of pain. Then she just took the lawnmower out and started mowing. I ran out and told her to stop and I'll do it. She yelled at me like I was some imbicile. I desperately told her to rest but that stubborn woman just wouldn't budge from the lawnmower. She's a workaholic. Feeling useless, I gave up and went into my room and played my music loudly. I felt so down I just screamed. Then I drew random patterns while listening to "Comforting Sounds" by Mew. It has very inspirational music. A very good song to doodle to.
All of a sudden it began to rain really heavily outside and mum was still outside mowing the lawn so I quickly ran to open the door for her and make it easier for her to get back inside. When I opened the door, she just screamed at me saying "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?!". That stabbed me really deep, the moment she said that. I ran back into my room, locked myself in and cried of course. I was already unstable...I was prone to getting hurt...
I thought about dad again, wondering if he ever felt this way, hurt, by my mother and myself. Yes, he did walk out on us...but I stopped and thought, was it us that walked out on him? I wish I could tell him how much I love him, no matter how much he hates me...I wish he acknowledges my existence at least...I want my dad :(
During the evening, it started to pour down a lot again then Stephen suddenly showed up. He was soaking wet. He took shelter in our house and we made him some dinner. I never see Stephen much anymore ever since he dropped out of school last year. Stephen and I went through a lot last year, it was good to see him again. It was sad when the rain stopped. I had to say goodbye to him again. Once again I felt alone.
I went back into my room, I tried to do my homework but I was too miserable. Mum just stayed outside in the living room and watched late night movies. I talked to Augustine and sang for the entire night. Now I'm not sure if I'm happy or miserable. It's so hard to tell. Jun was online for a while :) but she disconnected and couldn't get back on. Now everyone's asleep and the only person I'm talking to is good ol' Erik *huggles Erik*. I know for once you're going to read this blog because I'm going to tell you to!! >:0 Dang straight! Yeah, just want to let you know, thanks for being the bouncy friend you are and making me happy when I am down *huggles*.
Well...that sums up my day...

Time finished: 1:49am
Weather: Dead
Mood: Miserable


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Heya there! I'm no good with comforting words I guess.. ^^; but, yeah. Unstable emotion is usually the product of feelings left unsatisfied, plus the hazards of teenage mind makes it all crazy. Though huggles is a great potion! *HUGGLEBUGGLE*!! =D

Sunday, April 16, 2006 2:00:00 am  
Blogger •°¤*(¯`°ƒåήğזє°´¯)*¤°• said...

awww...*huggles* thank you! Love u!! Sure u're good with comforting words. You just continue being the bright person you are making others happy and that means a great deal!

Sunday, April 16, 2006 2:03:00 am  

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